TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them馃槏
You Might Also Like
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
what鈥檚 wrong, babe, you鈥檝e hardly played your juitar
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don鈥檛 add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you鈥檙e not sure if you鈥檙e awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Alexa doesn鈥檛 hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she鈥檚 related to my husband
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Had to try this trend 馃槉
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I won鈥檛 get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people鈥檚 tweets.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.