“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
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My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”