To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
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Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom: