[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.

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Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick


we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.


By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.


Someone made a Mario maker stage that just had a single long clear pipe all the way to a goal pole with a description that read.
“This system helps Mario cross over dams in seconds rather than days”


Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine


*gives up horoscopes for Lent

*caves and reads horoscope

“You are weak willed and lack conviction”


*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*


Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”


Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”