Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]
I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.
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In Canada, we don’t count by Mississippi’s, we count by Saskatchewan’s.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I switched my cellphone to ‘airplane mode’ and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Me- mom stop you are never funny. You never make joke.
Mom- I made you