Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
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So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Last-minute gift idea!
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner