@Vodkantots

[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.

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@briangaar

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

@mallelis

we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.

@Gooooats

By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.

@Yurt

Someone made a Mario maker stage that just had a single long clear pipe all the way to a goal pole with a description that read.
“This system helps Mario cross over dams in seconds rather than days”

@YSylon

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

@ThaJawn

*gives up horoscopes for Lent

*caves and reads horoscope

“You are weak willed and lack conviction”

@QwertyJones3

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

@snarkymomtobe

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

@UnFitz

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”