@Vodkantots

[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.

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@DBGerrard

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

@aneesa_p

In Canada, we don’t count by Mississippi’s, we count by Saskatchewan’s.

@TheAlexP

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

@Inferno_V

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

@bransonreese

The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”

@Try2StopME

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

@Elifcello

I switched my cellphone to ‘airplane mode’ and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

@MrDelFreaky

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*