To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
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Happy thanksgiving
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
dutch is not a serious language
Need WebMD
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.