every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
You Might Also Like
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
first you must answer his riddles
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I have a new favorite meme page
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!