[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
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If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.