These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
You Might Also Like
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.