To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
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*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
BaD BoY!!
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*