@ericsshadow

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

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@rickolantern

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

@ProZD

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

@floydimus

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

@the_hawlk

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

@NoBadHairDays2

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

@TheWhaleFacts

The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can’t.

@CatherineLMK

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

@copymama

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

@ricsem

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.