“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*