[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
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This is why I hate group projects
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
estão todos miauvindo?
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-