[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
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Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
me and the Superbowl rn
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”