@VodkaThursday: To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony
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@Mikecanrant: I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do the last time a bee flew near my face.
@stockejock: I'm already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
@RobertManchild: [company meeting] Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes. Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
@JeffMyspace: My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.