To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
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WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
and this one
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Cha-ching is my safe word
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.