@chuuew

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

You Might Also Like

@flagmytweets

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

@CulturedRuffian

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

@AndyRichter

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

@iamspacegirl

[answering door on halloween]

NEIGHBORHOOD MOM:
please stop giving the children hamsters

ME *hands full of hamsters*:
but it’s Halloween

@Buffalojilll

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

@loribuckmajor

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

@TheBeerGuy73

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

@RodLacroix

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

@PoodleSnarf

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now