To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

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Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier


When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.


The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity


[answering door on halloween]

please stop giving the children hamsters

ME *hands full of hamsters*:
but it’s Halloween


[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*


Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.


…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”


News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.


I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now