mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
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There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain