To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
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My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Natural selection at its finest
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.