To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
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“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
same energy
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.