@TheOnion: To see more unmatched reporting, visit
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@: [First date] Her dad: I want her home before midnight Me: but you already own her home Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don't sleep with him, I will
@maisondecris: HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone? ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend HIM: what? ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low HIM: what did you say? ME: that ur secret’s safe with me :)
@bettieriot: I don’t regret my exes. They all served a purpose. On an unrelated note, my rose bushes are really thriving.
@weinerdog4life: Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse