“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
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Because nothing says “sorry a loved one passed away” like something else that’ll wither and die right in front of you
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
‘Joe whats that package ya got today?’
“ITS MY BOOK ABOUT CLOCKS. I ORDERED IT LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO”
‘Well its about time, right?’
Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[sanitation worker knocks at my door]
The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.