HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
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🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.