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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this


🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls


Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste


The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.


Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?


Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before


ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.


God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then


I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.


<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.