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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire