@TheOnion

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@Humor_Fetish

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

@Just_A_Guy72

Flowers:

Because nothing says “sorry a loved one passed away” like something else that’ll wither and die right in front of you

@JimmerThatisAll

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

@b0dymassage

‘Joe whats that package ya got today?’

“ITS MY BOOK ABOUT CLOCKS. I ORDERED IT LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO”

‘Well its about time, right?’

“RIGHT”

@tweetsvisual

Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.

@WittySassBasket

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

@GingerHotDish

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

@isabelzawtun

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

@kcmoore51

[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.