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What
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.