To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
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By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
this country is so goddamn polarized
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
#TopTip
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.