My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
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I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
So sick of all these stupid rules
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
no one ever comes back
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet