@murrman5

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

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@MouthOfSass

If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

@dorsalstream

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

@iGreenMonk

The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.

@FeelingEuphoric

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

@1evilidiot

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

@Iwriteforcats

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

@protolalia

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.