To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
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Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom