To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
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boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Go hard or stay average
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged