to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
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No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Cheers Twitter.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?