[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
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“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?