To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.

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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.


a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath


People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.


Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.


Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”


I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.


ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?


I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies


[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human