To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.

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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!


It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.


[runs inside of a gas station]


*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game


Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?


The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…


Don’t get too excited about my shoe size ladies, I have to be able to fit orthopedic insoles in there


BuzzFeed writer (innocently): hey friends. as a friendly activity, tell me your funny anecdotes. coincidentally I have an article due soon


I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff