To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.
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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Don’t get too excited about my shoe size ladies, I have to be able to fit orthopedic insoles in there
IN THIS ECONOMY?!?
BuzzFeed writer (innocently): hey friends. as a friendly activity, tell me your funny anecdotes. coincidentally I have an article due soon
I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff