@jtrulez

To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.

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@BestWorstAdvice

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.

@ch000ch

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

@capricecrane

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

@davetureq

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

@imence2

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

@dafloydsta

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

@House_Feminist

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

@dafloydsta

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human