@Heather2Go

To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.

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@DitzMcGeee

[grocery shopping]

her: ma’am, can I help you?
me: I’m just waitin for church
her: for what? ma’am are…
*produce sprinkler turns on*
me: shh! It’s time, lettuce spray.
her: [bows head respectfully]

@krisv_723

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

@InternetHippo

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

@BraandoCommando

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

@ArfMeasures

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

@BatBatshitcrazy

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

@AristotlesNZ

Me: My friend really likes you.
Her: I’m a lesbian.
Me: Ah ok…
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …
Me: So… What part of Lesbia are you from?

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He’s Hulk Hogan, I’m The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.