Whenever I kill an ant, I always assume a surviving ant tells the rest of the ants and they have a meeting on how to kill me in my sleep.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Therapist: Your unhealthy attachment style is preventing you from developing normal relationships
Me: What do you mean, babe?
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.