[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I’d never snoop through my girlfriend’s phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.
Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I trust a woman ab as far as I can throw her. Very far. As far as she wants. I’ll do anything plz come back to me *cries into pillow*
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier