@TheBoydP

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

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@ComedicBust

Whenever I kill an ant, I always assume a surviving ant tells the rest of the ants and they have a meeting on how to kill me in my sleep.

@EazeAli4

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

@s_cLaN07

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

@Dutch_50

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

@katiebcomedy

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

@ThisLocalHater

Therapist: Your unhealthy attachment style is preventing you from developing normal relationships
Me: What do you mean, babe?

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

@GraniteDhuine

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

@Amiigat

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.