To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.