[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
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Get in, there’s no time to explain.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.