To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note