goldfish mafia
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.