At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
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My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions