To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
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Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans