To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
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I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word