Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I love art.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.