[to the bartender] whatever they put in lava lamps please

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Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.


they put u to sleep during surgery bc the government doesn’t want u to know that ur actually a cake


Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we’ll sleep in a tent and pee outside.

Is he mad at me?


I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st


Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.


“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”


aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out


You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.


MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough