@internetanja

[to the bartender] whatever they put in lava lamps please

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@jctwritesstuff

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

@ossiyuh

they put u to sleep during surgery bc the government doesn’t want u to know that ur actually a cake

@ohpeetie

Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we’ll sleep in a tent and pee outside.

Is he mad at me?

@English_Channel

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

@WilliamAder

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

@leapeajo

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

@wolfpupy

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

@andrewmonea

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

@bornmiserable

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough