To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

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If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming


her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel


Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.


They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.


*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*


Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.


I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.


I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.


Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.