@HatfieldAnne

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

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@samalmightysam

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

@yoyoha

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.

@RalphSudafed

A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”

@GrabTheWEness

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

@ReelQuinn

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

@truegritrumble

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

@EllaZee5

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

@TheHyyyype

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days