If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
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her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*stunned whale crowd loses it*
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.