“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
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Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.
A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days