To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
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Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.