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@girlnarly

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

@TheAlexNevil

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

@pbear79

If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.

I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.

@bwebster76

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

@meganamram

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

@Vodkantots

I’m incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management.

I’ve never even held an entry-level position.

@BoomBoomBetty

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

@Smethanie

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

@Reverend_Scott

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY