me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
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I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.
I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I’m incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management.
I’ve never even held an entry-level position.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY