To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
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Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer