BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
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If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.