Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”