To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.