To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
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If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.