To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
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I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
pizza
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist: