To the guy who just followed me with “Conservative, God-loving, pro-life” in his bio… are you sure you want to do this?

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FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it


When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?


Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?


INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys


Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.


Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.


Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.


Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.