To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
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Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?