To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
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Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
(True)
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents