[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
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OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.