[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

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cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov


*walks in on home intruder

“omg please don’t look at the dust!”


First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.


You wouldn’t believe me after reading my TL but my 1st language actually is English


Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall


amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one


Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.



7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters