@Ygrene

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

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@haleysfalling

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

@AmnesiaRose

*walks in on home intruder

“omg please don’t look at the dust!”

@ZackBornstein

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

@JacknArisdad

You wouldn’t believe me after reading my TL but my 1st language actually is English

@MissHavisham

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

@CAshmanActor

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

@Nickadoo

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER