To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
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Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line