To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
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It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Spring cleaning checklist…
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.