I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
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My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s