To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
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*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
One venti cheeseburger please.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again